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The Chair (2007)
8th Sep 08
Danielle is a young psychology student who is looking to get back on her feet. As part of this life rebuild she sublets a Victorian house that, wouldn’t you just know it, has some creepy stuff going-on. Rather than move out and live somewhere else, despite the house unsettling her greatly, Danielle stays and moans a lot more about how scary the place is, before slowly beginning to change personality!
I think it is fair to say that I have seen a lot of movies. I love movies so much that I could never ever envisage a day where I am not spending some part of it spent watching a DVD or sitting in the local flicks. I am the sort of person that some may point at and consider a little bit geeky. I can watch anything irrespective of genre/language/age/budget…I can even sit through Barbra Streisand movies. It is very rare that I will turn something off and even less likely if I’ve committed myself to writing a review of it.
All of that was about to change. I was sent The Chair to review. The accompanying blurb made it sound interesting enough but then again that’s the point of the accompanying blurb. The Chair has set a benchmark in terms of how tedious a movie can get, Hell even the title is boring. In fact so dull was the viewing experience that I think I passed out. I don’t mean that I went to sleep. I mean I think I genuinely passed out. Unfortunately when I came to I found that the movie was still playing. Duty bound to deliver a review; I propped up a couple more pillows behind my head and did my best to be interested.
As much as I wanted to, I couldn’t muster the energy. I started asking myself if it was at all possible to slip into a coma whilst watching a movie and after another ten minutes of The Chair came to the conclusion that it was indeed very possible. Being the caring, sharing sort of geezer I am, I’m considering setting up a support group online, perhaps on Facebook which is where everyone seems to live right now, to reach out and help other people who have for whatever reason decided to purchase/rent/watch this movie.
Given the regularity with which my brain tried to switch off/strangle me for subjecting it to this dross, the review is rather patchy and more a collective of thoughts from the viewing but hopefully it will convey the painful viewing that is The Chair…
’Okey dokey, its opening with ominous music, without any justification for it, never mind…looks low budget…oh it IS low budget, just one million Canadian dollars…ooo, filmed in the director’s own apartment…Hmmm, the director is Brett Sullivan…I understand he did a decent job helming Ginger Snaps 2: Unleashed so could be ok here…here’s our lead actress Alanna Chisholm as the soon-to-be-spooked Danielle Velayo, um, she cant act…ok, I’ve sat through dodgy acting before, I can do it again…And what’s this, THAT’S HER SISTER!...they have no resemblance to each other at all!...still Lauren Roy, as said sister, can act so hopefully she’ll be on screen a lot to counterattack the hamming elsewhere…oh, she isn’t!…What’s Danielle doing to herself in the bath?...oh dear, there’s no need for that!
((I lose consciousness for the first time))… ((I come to, I’m shaking))…Oh God, the movie is still playing…how long is this movie????...just an hour and a half…come on Sean you can do it…you’ve sat through worse, haven’t you? HAVEN’T YOU?
...If Danielle is spooked by events in the house why doesn’t she just leave...Sure it would make for a short movie if she did, but that shorter movie would play better with me.
…Try and focus on something positive about the movie Sean, that will help pull you through…well, the camerawork is effective at bringing out the colours in the movie’s limited sets…ARRRRGGGGHHH! That’s blown my good karma...They keep over-egging the creepy score, it’s too much, drop it, sometimes less is more people...
((Brain seizes up))… ((I can see a light at the end of that…))…What happened? Where am I?...Oh no, The Chair is still playing…I could turn it off but I owe it to the good people who frequent EatmyBrains to remain with this till the end and deliver my verdict…I could fast forward…I’m not going to miss a lot, it’s not like it flows…it feels like amateur footage that’s been randomly spliced and thrown at the screen on a best fit basis…
This won four awards???? For what???? Best Film?...you’re having a laugh… ((Breathing becomes slower))…((beginning to drool))…((eyes closing))…there’s a kid tied into a torture chair…oh finally we see THE CHAIR..believe me kid the torture you’re about to be put through is nothing…repeat nothing to the pain I’m going through…Huh, what’s that, credits?...It’s finished?...((disbelieving))…It’s FINISHED????... ((Sudden relief and a healthy dose of elation consume my body))
Sean Cockwell is presently receiving psychiatric care and can be contacted through his next of kin. Details available on request.
25th Oct 04 Fires blaze uncontrollably as smoke billows from damaged buildings while sirens wail indiscriminately over the screams of the living as they run for their lives, pursued at break-neck pace by the recently deceased.