We’ve all had weird and / or frightening sexual experiences… whether it be a panic-inducing “But you told me you were 16!” moment or the scarring Crying Game scenario in which your date turns out to have a bigger dick than you do. We’re all afraid of sex in some way, whether it be a paranoia about whether or not we’re good enough, a concern about bodily odours, or the age-old male paranoia of the vagina dentate. Last year’s Teeth followed the likes of Penetration Angst and Baby Blood in its overt portrayal of mankind’s deeply embedded fear that the girl they’re fucking will sprout vaginal teeth and lop off his member at the moment of climax…or before if he’s really unlucky.
Teeth follows a long line of horror films graphically playing off similar concerns. Most of these movies were made after the 70’s, partly because censorship relaxation meant that, for the first time in mainstream genre movies, sex and horror could be explicitly addressed and combined on screen. Presumably the gradually emerging consequences of all that “free love” a few years earlier also had an impact on the increasing number of movies about the potentially disastrous aftermath of a fun shag. David Cronenberg was making horror movies explicitly focussed on sexually transmitted diseases at the outset of his genre career and the advent of AIDS in the eighties just made his work and that of a select few others even more pertinent.
The movies on this list feature different kinds of sexual activity and they qualify as “weird sex” for vastly different reasons. Some deal with perversions of standard sexual acts, others just feature (arguably) perverse sex acts and others still feature 80 foot snakes muff-diving. As with all the best nights spent with a pair of Thai women, there are only ten slots available, so spare a thought for those left behind.
The list could have featured any number of Troma flicks. It nearly featured the doll shag in Bride of Chucky (followed by doll wanking in Seed of Chucky), though this sequence was quickly usurped in terms of cinematic puppet screwing by the enthusiastic multi-position golden-shower-enhanced fuck frenzy of Team America.
On a different tack, more low-key shocks like the one in Cabin Fever - a horny guy finally gets the girl he lusts after alone in bed but is stopped in his tracks by lots and lots of blood…down there - are worthy of a mention but not a place. Patrick Bateman’s marvellously hollow and narcissistic threesome with two hookers in American Psycho; Sigourney Weaver’s unhealthy pleasure at writhing around in the Alien nest in the otherwise uninteresting Alien Resurrection; and various peculiar moments in the Paul Schrader remake of Cat People are all worth checking out for connoisseurs of warped sexuality. And anyone who has seen Monster Man - particularly with a late night audience - will know it features the cinema world’s finest ever eating-pussy sequence.
Of course, if you live in certain parts of the countryside in the U.K. or the U.S., the ten weird sexual scenes listed below may not seem weird at all… in which case feel free to rename this list “Top Ten Funny Movie Scenes That Remind Me Of Stuff I Do With My Family Every Christmas”. You know who you are….
10 .Bram Stokers Dracula (1992)
Coppola’s studio-bound everything-but-the-kitchen-sink interpretation of the legendary novel received the critical equivalent of an unwanted, non-lubricated fisting upon its release, largely for Keanu Reeves’ jaw-droopingly bad performance as a spectacularly lame Jonathan Harker (“I say, is the castle far?”). In retrospect, though, there’s much to recommend, not least an abundance of freakish sexuality that’s quite rare for a mainstream R rated mainstream Hollywood horror flick.
Some kind of peak is reached early on with the sequence in which a trio of bare-breasted vampire babes (one of them played by Monica Bellucci) subject Reeves to an orgy of licking, moaning and biting. In a movie in which Anthony Hopkins makes syphilis jokes and characters projectile vomit blood for no real reason, however, it’s Sadie Frost’s Lucy that wins it a place on this list. Showing her boobs at every available opportunity and playing the role as if she were starring in a porn version called Bram Poke-her’s Dracula, Frost overplays the sexual angle to an almost parodic degree. Lord knows what the studio suits thought when Coppola showed them the movie-stealing sequence in which she comes very loudly while being ravaged by Dracula in his lycanthropic guise, a rare Hollywood foray into bestiality.
9 .Lost Highway (1996)
Like David Cronenberg, Lynch has displayed a career-long fascination for weird and disturbing sex scenes : who can forget “Baby wants to fuck!”, Dennis Hopper’s primal juvenile cry in Blue Velvet or the incredibly distressing scenes of Bob/Leland Palmer sneaking into Laura Palmer’s bedroom at night in Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me. The first 40 minutes of Lost Highway are among the most frightening, not only in Lynch’s oeuvre, but in 90’s cinema, and they incorporate perhaps the most subtly disturbing sex scene on this list. It’s a love scene between a man and his wife, consensual sex in a conventional position…but such is the nightmarish mood of the movie that you find yourself being very, very afraid.
Enveloping pools of darkness, unnaturally empty, dimly lit rooms and a rumbling Angelo Badalamenti score make the film’s opening stretch bone-chilling. Paranoid saxophonist Bill Pullman and beautiful wife Patricia Arquette keep receiving videotapes comprising footage of their own home, some of it taken from inside. As the tapes get more and more invasive, Pullman’s state of mind becomes more unhinged, to the extent that even making love to his wife turns into an ordeal. If you don’t soil your pants when Robert Blake’s ashen-faced, awesomely unnerving “Mystery Man” appears in the marital bed, then you are obviously betrothed to someone truly grotesque.
8 .Boa Vs Python (2004)
Cashing in on the horror team-up craze initiated by Freddy Vs Jason, this lovably dumb Sci-fi Channel flick features a really big boa named Betty, bred by a prominent herpetologist to create a universal anti-venom, and used to capture a loose 80 foot python imported from South East Asia! (Inspired by real events, no doubt).
Comically inept deputies, gratuitous bathtub soapings, cheesy CGI snake battles and a villainness (Angel Boris) who hates snakes but has a snake tattoo on her back all provide amusing diversions in this lively nonsense. It does, however, deserve to be remembered for featuring the wildest, most applause-worthy coitus-interruptus scene in any horror movie, ever. Absurdist to the point of surrealism, the sequence involves a pair of horny teens getting interrupted while going at it in their car. The guy is killed while going down on the girl, but the snake appears to carry on his work, and the girl really gets into it until she realises that an 80 foot snake is giving her cunnilinguis! That guy must have had some tongue…!
7 .Brain Damage (1987)
Frank Henenlotter, who figures twice on this list, is the man who made the sublime exploding-whore movie Frankenhooker, so his place in horror history is guaranteed. His best work is this New York-set drug parable about a phallic brain-eating talking parasite (a visual echo of Shivers) who provides hallucinogenic highs in exchange for fresh brains. His chosen victim, young Rick Herbst, becomes addicted to said highs and the movie brilliantly straddles downbeat social drama, splatter movie and bad taste comedy.
One striking hallucination sequence features a bizarre threesome between Herbst, his brother and his girlfriend devolving into brain-munching, but the movie’s sickest detour involves cinema’s grimmest blow-job. Herbst picks up a girl from a night-club named Hell and she discovers too late (“feels like you’ve got a real monster in there!”) that Aylmer, the parasite, is waiting in his underpants. When Aylmer leaps out, she ends up unwittingly fellating the creature as it mockingly fucks her mouth, eating her brains as it does so before disappearing into Herbst’s bloodied pants. This outrageously funny yet disturbing sequence is capped by a nicely low key moment of personal post-coital horror as the young man finds lots of blood in his underwear and panics because he has no memory of how it got there.
6 .Possession (1981)
A unique combination of pretentious art house drama and monster movie, voyeuristically shot with an intrusively restless, circling camera. Government man Sam Neill’s marriage to classy totty Isabella Adjani is in disrepair. He hires a private dick and finds his suspicions accurate: she’s having an affair…though slightly more surprising is the fact that she also has another lover - a hideously slimy, tentacled creature (designed by Carlo Rambaldi) whom she fucks presumably because Roy Hattersley was otherwise engaged.
Played to the hilt (and beyond) by its cast, this theatrical study of a marital disintegration often plays like a late Bergman social drama gate crashed by H.R. Giger. The human characters (both of whom die nasty deaths in the surreal finale) are portrayed as being just as grotesque as the misshapen monster, and Adjani’s decline into madness is signalled by an off the wall subway sequence in which she gibbers, shrieks and wails before gruesomely miscarrying the creature’s baby. You will want to see it solely because of its suitably deranged slimy sex scene, though, in retrospect, the movie is a clear influence on Hellraiser with its scenes of a frustrated wife with a horrific lover killing stray men in her house.
5 .Necromantik (1985)
In the annals (I said annals, you dirty perve!) of necrophilia cinema, this infamous art house-splatter movie strains for considerably more significance than Living Doll but never matches the raw power and wrenching conviction of the more disciplined short Aftermath. Still, it more than deserves its place on any list of this kind with its jarring juxtaposition of graphic corpse fucking with extended banalities in which folk sit around eating their tea.
Unbalanced accident clean-up guy Daktari Lorenz is a misfit who brings home “mementos” from work - cute trinkets like eyeballs, hands and internal organs - for the delectation of his equally warped girlfriend (Beatrice M). Inevitably, he ends up bringing home a dessicated corpse pulled from a river but, in one of those “life sucks” twists of fate (nicked for the conclusion of Living Doll), M leaves Lorenz and takes the festering cadaver with her.
Pretentious but compelling, the movie revels in its perverse sexual scenes while pretending to condemn them. A suitably grim threesome (try not to use your lunch at the gloopy eyeball-in-mouth moment) is scored like a regular love scene; a queasy graveyard shag becomes gradually obscured by old-school horror movie ambient fog and the literal “climax” involves the moribund Lorenz stabbing himself to death in the gut, triggering geysers of spectacular cum, then blood, to jet out from his patently fake erect dick. Soon to be remade with Julia Roberts and Shia La Beouef in the lead roles.
4 .Crash (1996)
Who isn’t curious to see the carnage caused by a car crash when you happen to drive past the scene of an accident? Who doesn’t do a little rubber-necking at someone else’s misfortune? Who doesn’t get a hard-on and start fucking their loved one’s open wound after witnessing people die? Er, wait a mo…
Taking its cue from Cronenberg’s own body horror oeuvre - overflowing with warped and disturbing sexual images and sexually charged violence - this notorious, ice-cold adaptation of J G Ballard’s novel is a bold study of a modern world where technology has become indistinguishable from humanity and taboos no longer exist.
TV commercial producer James Spader has a healthy, normal sex life with wife Deborah Kara Unger but, after being involved in a dramatic car crash that kills the doctor-husband of Holly Hunter, both the survivors find themselves aroused by wrecked cars and road accidents. A crippled woman (Rosanna Arquette) and an eccentric photographer who recreates famous celebrity car crashes join the obsession.
Non-judgemental in its characterisations, this striking movie was released in the UK just months before the whole country appeared to transform into a hysterical cult obsessed with the crash that killed “The People’s Princess”. It’s a riveting slice of subversive cinema, but will always be remembered for some of the most disturbing sex scenes ever to feature mainstream U.S. actors. Top of the tree is a scene that visually echoes the vaginal stomach sported by James Woods in Videodrome : Spader fucks Arquette via a wound in her thigh. Cronenberg cannily plays on the scarcity of cinematic representations of handicapped people having any kind of sex for this scene, which suitably horrified the Daily Mail and helped provoke a “Ban This Filth”-type campaign that predictably came to nothing.
3 .Society (1989)
Heavily influenced by the David Lynch School Of Weird Cinema (reinforced by the unsubtle symbolism early on of worms writhing inside a tasty apple and by a hairball-coughing bedraggled fat woman who looks like she should be dancing on Frank Booth’s car), this Reagan-era horror flick follows a minor 80’s trend for revealing that the upper and middle classes are a) feeding off the poor and b) regularly indulging in acts of perversity and debauchery.
Popular jock Billy Warlock (“Paranoid? All my fears are real.”) comes to realise that his well to do Beverly Hills family and most of the neighbourhood are involved in a Rosemary’s Baby-ish conspiracy to hide the kind some grim truths. His sister’s “Coming Out Party”, for instance, inducts her into “Society” via intercourse with someone her own age, followed by sex with her parents and assorted other respected authority figures.
An ambiguous and quietly menacing opening hour erupts into an extraordinary climactic orgy that even those who dislike the movie will always remember. Thanks to the Dali-inspired Screaming Mad George’s make up effects, director Yuzna reveals exactly what goes on behind closed doors, as Warlock witnesses his parents and others indulge in an orgy of twisting bodies, anal penetration, eyeball poking and physical mutation. “I do love the smell of the hunt and the taste of the shunt” notes a judge before inserting his hand up a guy’s rectum while other society members suck from his slime-caked body. Rumours persist that, if you look closely enough, you can see 90210 stars Jason Priestley and Shannon Doherty fisting each other in the background.
2 .Next Door (2005)
A pared down, effectively intense Norwegian variation of Polanski’s Repulsion in which a troubled young man - recently split, for reasons that will become clear, from his girlfriend - moves into an apartment building next to two strange, possibly related and provocative young women.
This deliberately theatrical and elusive mind-fuck has the kind of last-act twist that you’ve seen at least 20 times in the past decade or so, but that can’t overshadow its marvellously macabre punch line, which plays like a marriage of scenes from Psycho and Necromantik. It also has a striking performance from Julia Schacht as the younger of the two women - an alternatively erotic, feral and child-like figure prone to disturbing fantasy.
She figures in Next Door’s most powerful sequence, and its reason for inclusion on this top ten. Shockingly violent while being (admit it, go on!) uncomfortably erotic, this bloody sex scene starts with her brutal idea of foreplay : repeatedly punching her lover in the face and requesting to be punched back just as hard. What follows is the kind of queasy, masochistic intercourse that will simultaneously turn your stomach and guiltily turn you on.
1 .Basket Case 2 (1990)
A surprisingly good natured sequel to Henenlotter’s marvellously seedy Herschell Gordon Lewis homage. Taking refuge in the welcoming home of pro-freak activist Granny Ruth, Duane and Belial befriend a variety of misshapen and disfigured facially challenged folk.
Friendships are forged, Duane falls in love and Belial (now a combination of puppetry and animatronics instead of the stop-motion blob of the original) gets real horny over reptilian freak “Eve”. This, inevitably given Henenlotter’s fondness for twisted sexual scenes, leads to one of filmdom’s most literal and icky representations of the phrase “bumping uglies”.
To the tune of a romantic piano/violin love theme, the two bodiless stretchy torsos enjoy some graphic grunt-heavy fucking. To Henenlotter’s credit the scene, reflective of the film’s overall tone, manages to somehow be simultaneously hilarious, disturbing and tender…though if you know anyone who gets off on it, email us and we’ll send you the number of a really good hospital for, um, special people.
The results of this surrealistic (but rubber-free) boning session were on display in the final Basket Case flick, The Progeny. And similar hideous freaks appear every week on American Idol.
2nd Aug 05 Mr Good and Rational Scanner (David Kellum) has just moved to the city to attend vet college where he manages to pull fellow student Alice Leonardo with some truly appalling dialogue. Buy hey; they do go...