Porno Holocaust (1981)

2nd Feb 05





Plot
A group of scientists arrive on a deserted island unaware that a sex-crazed radioactive monster lives there. He attacks, raping several of the women, who die horrible deaths due to his sperm being radioactive. The survivors must find a way to either escape the island or kill the monster.

Review
Let's face it, with a title like Porno Holocaust, you're not going to be expecting too much in the way of classy entertainment. And when you learn that it was directed by the infamous Joe D'Amato, was apparently filmed as a tacked-on addition to the shoot of Erotic Nights of the Living Dead (featuring the same cast) and was shot in 5 days, expectations drop even lower. Having now finally witnessed this atrocity for myself, I can safely say that Porno Holocaust really is the trash you'd expect it to be.

Horror and hard-core sex make strange bedfellows, and it's no real surprise that this sort of genre-mixing happens rarely. Perhaps Porno Holocaust realises this, as it ditches most of the horror elements in favour of filming a porno film with tacked on scenes of horror and gore near the end. So, instead of some interesting story with added sex moments, we get endless hard-core sex scenes mixed in with a clichéd set up of a man-monster loose on an island killing off scientists one by one.

The film actually takes an age to get going. Set in some third world town, a ship's captain is introduced to various female scientists as they discuss their upcoming expedition to an island in order to investigate local stories of a man-monster. They also have 'these photos' which they then show to the Captain, supposedly of the beast in question. Unfortunately, we never get to see these photos, but we are assured that they look quite shocking (!).

After a brief cut to a harbour scene that shows one of the monster's victims (a man with a terrible gore job on his face), we come to the first sex scene, an extremely dull affair where the guy in question comes far too early (or not early enough, depending on your take on things). There is then a brief dialogue interlude that mentions something about Nuclear testing and giant crabs, before another sex scene featuring two lesbians (“Let's not fight, eh? Let's fuck”), which, like the first scene, is dull, boring and (inexcusable for a sex film) non-erotic.

The Captain tries then to woo the lead female scientist but is unsuccessful so instead we are 'treated' to a scene of the Countessa visiting a male brothel and pleasuring herself with two male prostitutes. I have to say, I have never ever seen a more uncomfortable sex scene, hard core or not, than this particular scene, as it features a woman who looks as if she really doesn't want to be there, and a man who can't actually get it up on screen, proving the fact that he really doesn't want to be there either. After that we get a scene whereby the Captain does get his way with the scientist after all and they fuck too.

By this point we are 40 minutes into the film (character introductions always take longer in porn films), so luckily they all decide that they need to do something that resembles plot in order to make things more interesting. The scientists board the Captain's boat (watched by a journalist – a cameo by Joe D'Amato which is extremely meaningless to the film) and set sail for the island. On arrival, they are watched by an unseen creature that seems to be hiding behind nothing more than a twiggy bush with no leaves on it, but our scientists don't seem to notice, instead looking around a bit before all loping off in their separate couples for a bit of love-action.

The baroness go first as she tells one of her female travelling partners, “those black bastards really bruised my hole” before engaging in some lesbian action on a very uncomfortable looking log on the shoreline. At least this sex scene has some good scenery - it's just a shame you feel your eye wandering up to look admiringly at the horizon when there are two naked female forms writhing away at the bottom of the screen. The captain fucks the black girl again (it's amazing how polite these sex-hungry scientists are – they always take time out to strip and fold their clothes up all neat and tidy before engaging in any intercourse), and the rest of the cast wander around looking at supposedly natural crabs that are obviously lifeless and already cooked.

Finally, (after another sex scene of course) the man-monster appears to put a stop to all this rampant rumping (although man-monster is hardly the right word for a black man with a cheap piece of latex fixed across his nose), and kills the Professor with one punch before forcing the Professor's poor wife into giving him a blow-job, which unfortunately kills her as his sperm is radioactive. I am not making any of this up – honest!

Man-monster then kills two more with poor gore, and kidnaps Annie the (most attractive) scientist, taking her into his 'lair' where he ties her hands together so she can't escape (huh? – why not try tying up her feet?) Man-monster then goes back to our heroes' tent, kills George Eastman and then, in the film's most tasteless sequence, kills the Countessa and has his way with her dead body. I mean, how exactly is a zombie indulging in homicidal necrophilia a turn-on?

This leaves only the Captain and the captive Annie alive, so the Captain runs through the trees to the cave, runs back to the beach where he sees the dead Countessa's body (with eeugh.. blood all over her crotch area), and then runs back to the cave where he sees Annie. He unties her hands and they both walk out of the cave, but on their way back to the boat, they encounter the monster in the woods.

In all my time watching horror movies, I've seen some strange deaths. Some have been excessively gory, some highly emotional and some truly depraved and disgusting. However, Porno Holocaust's method of dispatching it's lead villain really takes the cake. After a small confrontation, the monster makes a move to attack the Captain, when Annie suddenly yells out “No, Demaduro, No!!” The monster takes one look at her, and promptly drops to the floor, dead. That's it – no fight scene, no tension, no blood loss, nothing... just a sentence shouted. I mean really, what?

The Captain and Annie then make it to the rowing boat and off they go, engaging in a last sex scene as they float gently out to sea. In fact, not content with being appallingly bad all the way though, the ending to Porno Holocaust is literally one of the most hilariously bad sequences I have ever seen, and I've seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. As they have sex, they are supposed to be drifting far out at sea, but on several shots we can see that the water is only about a foot deep, and that there are shore-breaking waves in the background. In some of the shots, we can even see the beach! Then, as they spot an oil tanker in the distance, the couple stand up in the boat to wave at the 'far-off' tanker in the distance, just as the man who is holding the rowing boat pops his head above the bow to be clearly seen in shot (see below). I don't know if I was in tears of laughter at this point, or tears of sorrow in having wasted 112 minutes of my life.



So in summation (as I've merely just listed out the plot in this 'review' in the hope that you will now never ever feel the need to see this film), Porno Holocaust is one of the worst films ever made. A porno flick that is not erotic, a horror film that is not horrific, appalling acting and dubbing, a non-existent script or storyline, and one of the cheapest-looking 'monster's ever put on the screen. You may get some sort of twisted perverse enjoyment from the badness of it all, but seriously I doubt it. Porno Holocaust? Shit Holocaust.

Versions
Also know as Holocausto porno.

Posted by
Rawshark



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